


Ignite

by RaspPassion_Tea



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: ...yeah i still have no idea how to tag, Angst, Cake, DID I MENTION CAKE, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, So Much Cake, Spontaneous Combustion, Trauma, lol, she wants to but steven isn't having that, steven and spinel just really love each other okay, what can you do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-13 13:09:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21494821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaspPassion_Tea/pseuds/RaspPassion_Tea
Summary: Spinel get's the first good look of herself after her reformation on the Garden, and remembers how she got the first real feeling of ignition in her life.Needless to say, she wouldn't mind feeling it again after the current condemnation her eyes were giving her.(Or: Spinel sees herself and how she looks for the first time since she got her new form, and isn't impressed by it)
Relationships: Spinel/Steven Universe
Comments: 7
Kudos: 59





	Ignite

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Song_Apart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Song_Apart/gifts).

> What's this? Rasp *isn't* dead!? What a surprise.  
It's mostly because I've been bending over backwards to get this oneshot out I promised. The idea for this came from a good friend of mine in the Stevinel Discord Server, and they graciously let me write about it. So credit, and my thanks, to Song-Apart!!  
I'll just... sneakily leave a link if anyone wants to join: https://discord.gg/WTYRhuy  
Hope you enjoy, Song!! Sorry this had to come out so late ^^'

Right now, all Spinel wanted to know was what the _ fuck _ she was looking at. Okay okay, wait, she should backtrack a bit. First of all, what exactly was she looking at? And _ why _was she was looking at it?

Currently, she was looking into the window by Steven's kitchen. The boy was in said kitchen, currently making a cake for the both of them, though in reality she could tell he was mostly making it for her. Spinel didn't want to bother him since cooking was still fairly new to her, and she didn't want to get in the way or, possibly, make everything explode somehow. So, she decided to just stare out of Steven's window and the nice view he has of the beach, maybe even take a moment to think about some stuff. Her life now, her mistakes and how she’s learning from them, and how much she loves Steven and would make any change for him if it means making him happy, and if he says, her happy as well.

_ That was mistake number one, Spinny, _She thought to herself.

As she was looking out at the scenery of the ocean, her thoughts drifted away just a bit. Being on the topic of Steven, she started to think about how that giant bundle of goodness and purity managed to love and accept who she is now. But… _ why? _ Why would that giant bundle of goodness and purity love her now, after everything she did? After she showed how much of a toxic, forlorn case she was? _ Especially _ when she looked like… she looked like…

What _ did _she look like?

Almost like magic, her eyes adjusted, causing her to look at her hazy reflection of the window, giving her the first good look at herself since her reform in the garden.

...Okay yeah, what the _ actual fuck _was she looking at?!

Well now, sitting here and finally thinking about her decisions, she finally knew exactly what it was: some insane imbecile, who was stupid enough to give into it’s emotions and let whatever it was feeling influence it’s state of co-consciousness, and turn itself into some sort of vile looking depressed five year old who found the makeup kit of a depressed teenager and went full ham on “expressing herself”.

Now that she was thinking about it, she doesn’t even think she can remember how she woke up reformed in the garden again. She remembers seeing Steven’s message as she waited, running over to see if it was really true, and just… sitting there. Sitting and crying.

Although… she does remember some sort of feeling in her chest. It started off so small she didn’t even notice it. It felt almost like someone had lit a hot, scolding, not at all pleasant fire near her gem. But then it grew bigger. She hated it, the way it felt. She kept ripping and clawing at her gem heart, trying to make it stop. It still grew. The pain got so unbearable she tried gripping anything around her to steady herself. The ground, her gem, her hair, _ anything _.

And yet, it still got bigger.

Eventually, her breathing got more rigid, she was blind with the tears in her eyes, her mouth practically overflowing with foam and the mucus from her nose. She yanked at her raggedy twintail hearts as hard as she could making them come undone, digging her heels into the ground. She felt her chest almost pulsing with how much stress she was experiencing. And for the first time millenniums, she threw her head back and let out the first real sound to come out of her mouth: a blood curdling scream that could be heard across the universe.

The last she remembers feeling was a spontaneous ignition go through her, and then waking up bent on destroying everything in the next moment.

The thing was, she always knew she looked like a wreck. She just never thought it would be this bad. Like… well, she already went full ham on the description of her appearance earlier.

No one ever said anything, but they never objected to her claims either. At the time, that was all the confirmation she needed. And it still holds up. Now, she’s looking at the gem she’s become, and she’s not impressed at all with the way her mind lazily threw together whatever it was she was “feeling” and used that as a vision… 

The old her really was stupid. That dense child had absolutely no idea she was making things worse...

She tried to come back to her senses. Shake her head, slap her cheeks, something to bring her back to now. She felt her breath rapidly increasing, she felt her head starting to spiral just like her eyes. She wanted to pull on her hair but had to use as much restraint as she could to refrain from doing that. The recognition hit her like a truck. This is almost exactly what happened in the garden, meaning the exact same result could happen again.

But this time, Steven was right across the room able to watch.

Spinel froze in place and slowly turned her head to look over to Steven, who was still blissfully and obliviously working on his cake. No. _ Her _cake.

Spinel felt like she and her world was twisting and turning. It felt like that detonating feeling of agitation would come back at any moment. She couldn’t do that to him, him seeing her poof by herself. He’d be so distressed and, knowing him, probably more than her. She had to keep it together. 

She laid her head on the window as she closed her eyes to focus on her breathing, something Steven told her to do to calm down. It was really strained, she was practically wheezing, but it was something. Her leg bounced up and down off the window seat, a comfort move of her when she was getting too excited or anxious. She felt her non existent heartbeat start to slow, the potential warmth in her chest starting to fade away. She finally started to get control of herself once her composure came back.

“...Spinel?”

That sound across the room, however, made her lose it completely.

Spinel’s eyes shot right open as she sat up. Looking across the room, she saw Steven turned toward her with a stunned expression across his face, also mixed in with recognition.

Spinel brought her knees to her chest, staring at her feet with a blank expression on her face. 

“...You can tell what happened,” she said timidly, not even bothering to ask, because she already knew the answer.

Steven just nodded his head, his brow furrowed along with a concerned look on his face. Really, he could already tell she wasn’t feeling alright, he could sense it out the corner of his eye, he knew the patterns Spinel goes through when she’s going through a panic attack. He thought he could bring it up later in a more relaxed setting, like when they ate the cake he made for her, but her case seems severe enough to bring it up sooner rather than later.

Steven glanced at the time he set on his phone: about five more minutes until the cake was done baking. That should be enough time. He put the spatula that he was currently using to mix the frosting down and walked over to sit next to Spinel. She instinctively brought her knees to her chest shrinking into the corner, making herself as small as possible. She was practically refusing to look at Steven, which made him cringe. He sat there for a moment, looking at his hands and trying to figure out what to say.

“...I really look like that don’t I?”

Steven looked up in surprise at the fact that Spinel had beat him to the first word. Regardless, he just shifted to be facing her with his legs criss-crossed under him, his fingers laced together to rest his chin on them. He knew that he had to hear what was wrong with her first. Spinel had seen this silent omen of his many times when trying to help her. She took a deep breath and turned off her mind. She wanted whatever she was about to spew out of her mouth to go unfiltered.

“I feel like f-for you this could sound a bit odd, but… when I took my form again back in the Garden, I didn’t know what I looked like. I don’t think I really cared because I don’t. I don't even think I remember even being inside my gem choosing my form. I think that’s why I never noticed until now, why I never _ thought _ about it until now. I know I always practically shouted in your face and everyone within a lightyear radius about how I looked but… honestly, I don’t think it bothered me that much.

“I knew you loved me for me and really… I think that's all I wanted to know. All I needed to know because… I had something to believe in once I knew you believed in me, y’know? It felt like I could just look into your eyes and see it. You thought I could be a better person because you… _ liked _ me. And I actually liked _ you _ and it felt like maybe I could finally do something right. But now… I’m just so confused. 

“...Why do you even want to help me when I… I look like this. A-and I know I said this several times already, and you’ve always told me this kind of stuff never mattered to you! But I… gee, Stevie, I just can’t help it!! This is who I really am, we both know it. Inside and out, I’m a hideous, emotional wreck. And just… I just don't…” She paused to allow herself to slow down. That warm spark of an ignition went through the gem part of her chest once again. She felt the familiar sensation overflowing all over her face at that moment too.

Spinel looked at Steven with a face that broke his heart. He’s only ever seen this amount of sadness on the face of a Studio Ghibli character. “You still love me? _ This _ ??” she said gesturing to herself half heartedly. “You love this dysfunctional _ mess _ ? For the Diamonds sake Steven, I tried to _ kill you _!” She shouted the last part exasperatedly, her arms stretching jaggedly out in different directions, surprising Steven enough to make him recoil backwards a bit. 

Both were staring at each other not moving a muscle, the only sound being Spinel trying to catch her heavily supported breath. 

Hesitantly, Steven sat back in his original place crossing his arms, giving a loving look on his face to balance out the strict aura he’s currently presenting. “Spinel,” he began, slowly, “You know how I feel about you, _ and _how I’ve told you it. Several times, actually,” he laughed, trying to break the mood, “Why would I lie about that this whole time, especially since, _essentially,_ I always made this my personal goal with you? It’s just because I love you _that _much. You know this.”

She suddenly stopped moving, a shocked look spreading over her features, as she became conscious once again in her actions. Despite the clear melancholy look on her face, Spinel chuckled bitterly.

“Yeah right,” in turn, Spinel sat back down more calmly, putting her knees back up to her chest. Though, her face very visibly softened. “You love me, really? All of me? Even though I… I… well, y’know.”

Steven just snorted. “Duh,” he said lightly pushing her shoulder, a playful look on his face. One he only reserved for her.

Spinel stared at him for a second, unblinkingly. Eventually, she just settled to scoffing as she glared down at the floor, her legs twisting into a croissant shape, as she shouldered his hand off, still not believing him. Steven looked down at the opposite corner, frowning deeply. Okay. Clearly this wasn’t the best way to go about it. He had to think quickly, while still compassionately. He seemed to always forget that part with her sometimes. Almost like his own conscious was listening to him, an idea came.

“...You know why I'm making this cake for you, right Spinel?” He asked, a hopeful smile on his face. Without taking her eyes off her glaring spot, she just shook her head no.

He turned towards her to fully look at her and said, “I remember the first time you ate. You went out to Funland with me that day because you really wanted to get out of the house that day, especially with me… it was a really fun time, remember?”

He laid both his hands on her shoulders, urging her to look up at him. She laid her hands over his, going the extra mile of stretching her arms to coil around his, though still not looking at him.

“...You remember the ferris wheel?” Spinel said, an octave above a whisper. Steven chuckled at that fond memory they shared, and Spinel actually gave a small giggle in return. Steven felt his eyes soften in adoration, before he continued.

“We were walking along the boardwalk, and you stopped me- like, actually stopped me, you wrapped your arms around my legs more times than I can count- and you shouted at least ten feet behind me that you were smelling the most _ amazing _thing. I was a little confused but I followed you anyway. But then I put two and two together once we stopped by this giant stand! For me, at least, at the time I thought it was pretty clear you would love something like, like uh…” Steven for a moment, scratching his head with a mock puzzled look on his face, ”do you remember Spinel? It slipped my mind this moment, I don’t know why.”

Spinel rolled her eyes playfully, seeing his encouraging act from a mile away. “It was one of those ‘cotton candy’ machines,” she answered, a small smile on her face.

Steven snapped his fingers while saying, “Right! Cotton candy! I don’t know how it slipped my mind.”

Spinel had already started working on uncoiling her arms from Steven’s, using one of them to flick his forehead, a bored smile on her face. “Stevie, you can be really dense with things like this, never change.”

Steven just smiled unknowingly in return. Good, he needed her as cheerful as possible for this next part of his account.

He took a breath before continuing, “You knew what eating was, but you had never done it, I knew this. But the smile on your face, the pure excitement in your eyes, I knew that this got you genuinely excited about the idea… and I wanted you to have that. I always thought you’d have a thing for sweets if you wanted to start eating someday anyway. But soon after, when you took your first bite of that cotton candy…” Steven tried stopping for a bit to keep with voice from breaking, composing himself. He tried to look at her eyes as much as possible, which were looking at the wall behind Steven’s head.

“Spinel… I think seeing you eat for the first time was one of the moments I knew I really truly loved you.”

Spinel was visible taken aback, staring at Steven with one of the widest eyes he’s seen her make. “You realized what now?” she managed to get out in a high pitch voice. He smiled a genuine smile at her, placing his hands on her forearms. 

“I love you for a lot of reasons Spinel, you’re funny, sweet, you can be so _ fun _ to be around. But I think one of the reasons I tend to forget, and you too, is that a-ah well… you’re really _ really _beautiful,” He said softly, a blush and a small smile on his face. Spinel was also blushing, a really flustered, surprised look on her already pink face. An impressive feat on her end.

Spinel gripped the cushion below her so tightly it could burst under pressure. She bit her lip hard enough to make it bleed if she had any, and did her first attempt to look Steven in the eyes despite the expression on her face that she could guess is pretty teary and distasteful. Despite her thoughts, Stevens smile seemed to get brighter as his eyes lit up at her conscious effort.

“I bought you your snack, and you were… somehow, really nervous. I think you were worried you would choke or something, ha. But you took the first bite, and you looked _ so _ overjoyed. It was like everything I could've possibly imagined in that moment shined on your face. I noticed your hair poof up, like they were standing up on top of your head. It was one of those moments you really believed you couldn't have a care in the world as long as you kept eating that stick of cotton candy. It was that moment, and moments like that we shared from then on, that made me notice how absolutely beautiful you can make yourself out to be sometimes. When you _ want _to.”

Steven slid his hands down to Spinels, intertwined both of her hands in his, looking into her eyes with one of the most soft, intense gazes she’s ever seen him display.

“I know that realizing something this big is hard to get by straightway, and it won't be easy over time. But for now, I want you to know this right now: Spinel, I think you’re beautiful, and I always will. If you never changed your form I’d be completely fine with that. And if it changes tomorrow, it _ still _ wouldn’t matter to me. I’m always gonna love you for you no matter what, and _ that’s _the truth.”

Spinel looked into Steven’s eyes more intently, seeing the determined look in his eyes which almost contradicted the soft smile plastered on his lips. And almost like lightning, what he was saying struck the smallest chord in her. After hearing him talk this whole time, she finally got herself to _ listen _ to him.

Spinel untwined their hands to grab her partners face, a crooked, dopey smile on her face with tears barely being held back in her eyes. Practically delirious at this point, she squished his cheeks as hard as she could. Steven blew a raspberry out of surprise, grabbing her hands and pushing them to the side of both of them. They chuckled lightly at that, almost like they were floating on air. Steven pressed a small kiss to the top of Spinel’s forehead before moving down to press a longing kiss on her lips, still gripping her hands in his.

Both felt a strong spark kindle in their chest.

They jumped back, eyes wide in surprise, Steven letting out a small gasp and Spinel making a gurgled squeak. They slowly looked up at each other. Steven’s cheeks puffed out despite his clear protest. Spinel snorted, covering her mouth, causing Steven to let out a loud guffaw he was holding, only for it to descend into a fit of giggles. Spinel followed suit, laughing the tears out of her eyes.

Once the laughter died down, Steven rubbed his eye with the ball of his hand, smiling widely at Spinel. In return, she gently placed both hands over her mouth to hide the bashful smile her face, her gentle shining eyes giving it away nonetheless. She may not fully believe him yet, but there was one thing he said that she would always believe: “Even if things change for the worst right now, it would always get better later.”

Spinel cleared her throat as she wiped her eyes with her arms. “So!” she announced, clapping her hands together while beginning to stand giving Steven a lopsided smile, “Where are you on that cake you promised me? I want to help you finish, ‘cause by _ golly _I need a distraction more than anything right now.”

Steven gave a grin that didn’t really reach his eyes, but was all around proud nonetheless. He took her hand into his and walked them toward the kitchen, excitedly. “I really think you’ll like it, I found it online looking for cakes with strawberries- well, you don’t know what those are right? I really think you’ll like it though! Its vanilla, which _ would _ be boring to most people, but I think you’ll appreciate it, since this is your first time eating cake and- _ ooh _ there’s so much you haven’t tried yet that you’re going to love; buttercream, jam, whipped cream, _ sprinkles _…!”

Spinel smiled as Steven rambled on about the cake he was making. The cake he was asking for _ her _no less. That made her feel a little more warm inside…

This made her pause. Somewhere in the middle of his discourse about his cake, Steven mentioned Spinel could take the job of hallowing the strawberries and placing them on top while Steven finished placing sprinkles on the side. Her knife was occupying the middle of one until the thought of that feeling came into her head again.

That hot, warm feeling in her chest, right over her heart shaped gem. It was like a calm, silent fire, licking that part of her and making its way the edges and tips of every part of her body. Like a crushing feeling all over her that for some reason she doesn’t want to go away. Like she was going to laugh, scream, cry, pull at her hair, and stomp and flail with every part of her body until she finally gave in and sat back, her body arching over and over again until she calmed down...

Oh stars, was she about to explode again?

She slowly turned her head to Steven looking for any sign of dismay that may reside his face. Ultimately, she was instead met with his tongue stuck out in a cartoonishly serious manner, all focus on attaching the sprinkles with enough precision to do it correctly. He seemed to have some sort of sixth sense when it came to Spinel though, because he seemed to feel her eyes on his. He looked up, a charmingly puzzled look on his tilted head. Then he smiled at her, this one reaching his eye this time.

Spinel felt a different sort of ignition in her chest than the last few times at that moment. Except this time, this one felt like it would stay there forever.

And something about the way Steven looked at her made her have the sudden feeling of not wanting to change anything in that moment for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally the first time I've written Steven and Spinel kiss each other, and I had no idea what to do, rip me. It's alright though, because that part towards the ending was quite possible the *cutest* thing I've ever written in my whole life uggghhhhh  
Hope you enjoyed, but remember criticism is appreciated!! Especially for this one, I had to go back and redo a lot of stuff since a lot of it didn't work as plot points and such, so I can't help but feel this was kinda messy haha. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed!!  



End file.
